Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Becoming A Single Parent

Apologies for my recent blogging hiatus.  I hope the title of this post will give you an insight into why I haven't written for a while.  A month ago I had to do the hardest thing of my life: split up with my partner, the father of my child.  It's not something I ever wanted to happen.  It's not how I planned life to be.  The decision had taken me an awfully long time and a lot of heart ache to reach, but it had got to the point where it was necessary.  I couldn't eat or sleep.  I was anxious and confused and panicky and upset all the time.  It wasn't that the time felt 'right', I just got to the point where I couldn't carry on any longer.  I felt like Eric was starting to be affected by things at home, and that's where I had to draw the line.  I tried many times over the years to try to fix things but it hadn't worked.  I had prayed a lot for guidance.  I had talked things through with a counsellor for over a year.  I had cried to my closest friends.  The decision was made based on all of our long-term happiness, even though I knew it would cost short-term pain.  It's not anything my partner had done; he's a good friend, a great father and I care about him as a person, but ultimately we just aren't right for each other.  He agreed to a trial separation, and the very night he left I felt calm and free.  I think I knew that first night that the decision was final for me, though I had been unsure before and thought I was still open to trying to make it work.  But it was too late.  It's hard managing his emotions, as this was my choice, not his.  I feel wretchedly guilty and upset for causing someone I care about so much, such a lot of pain.  It's scary trying to sort out the practical side of things now I am on my own.  But I am hopeful for the future.  I sometimes feel sad for the happy times of the past, but most of the time I see that nothing can change our history or those good memories, I am just working towards a more positive future.  I'd like to get to a point here we can be close friends and co-parents, and be as we were before but minus the couple relationship.  Perhaps that's naïve.  But I am hopeful.  Human relationships are messy and love is inexplicable, but life will carry on regardless so I will try my best. 

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