Friday, 25 February 2011

Diary: How It Feels To Love Your Child

Before I had Eric I was worried I wouldn't love him and that we wouldn't bond, and I had no idea what it would be like.  Describing the love you feel for your child is almost impossible, there seem to be no words strong enough to describe the feeling, so I can only begin to try.  My baby is the centre of my whole world, and without him I couldn't exist.  The love I have for him is calming and satisfying.  It's different to the way you love a partner as I won't love him any less for anything he does.  A partner might cheat on you, or be lazy or you might just fall out of love with them, but the love I feel for Eric is forever, and will never fade, it'll only grow.  He makes me strong as I want to be the best I can be for him.  I'm so happy that he was born, even though we hadn't planned it.  At any other time or with anyone else he wouldn't be him, he would be a different baby, and I love him so much that I feel so lucky that the one tiny sperm in a million made it through so he is him! Joy and happiness bubble up in me when I see him smile at me first thing in the morning, or cuddle me, or when he finds something funny and laughs and I just want to scoop him up and tickle him and kiss him and make him as happy as he makes me.  On the flip side the thought of losing him makes me feel physically sick.  It's inconceivable.  I am so proud of my little boy, how even-tempered, sweet and funny he is, how he's developing and everything he does.  I love watching him sitting, rolling over, laughing, bouncing and standing up when you support him.  My heart swells with pride! I love taking him swimming and seeing him splashing around having fun with his mummy and daddy and learning something new, and being there for him when he feels frightened.  I love feeding him.  I love all his little noises. I love seeing him sleepily rubbing his face into his bunny rabbit comforter and cuddling it as he falls asleep.  My favourite time is when he wakes up for an 11pm feed just as I'm getting ready for bed, how he is all sleepy and cuddly and I just want to hold him close and breathe in the scent of him.  I love stroking his soft hair and skin.  I sleep in his nursery with him as I can't imagine waking up and not being near him, it's almost like the umbilical cord still links us and I don't want to stray far.  If I go out for a few hours I'm happy to return to him.  If he is hurt I feel a physical pain.  I wish he could stay a baby forever and at the same time I look forward to him growing up and seeing his personality, and to him having conversations with me.  Before he was born I had conversations with people who would say they love their pets as much as they could love a child, and I used to think I loved our bunnies that way.  I still love my bunnies, they are in my heart, they're so cute, I'd love to cuddle them (if they'd let me!), they make me laugh and I'd run through a fire to save them, but the love I feel for Eric is bigger than the whole world, I couldn't even have imagined this love before I had him.  Don't get me wrong, it's tiring, it's hard work, there are days when I just want a break.  Sometimes when he's whining and I don't know what's wrong I feel frustrated.  Sometimes when he pukes all over me or throws puree at me I feel cross.  Sometimes when I'm tired I feel upset and down and blue.  But I still love him soooooo much, and he always cheers me up! I wouldn't change it for anything! He's the best :)
Peace and love,
Felicity

1 comment:

  1. Aw Felicity that is so lovely. Eric is a lovely baby!

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